Richard's Musings on Victor and Adoption

I am writing this in the hopes that it gets sent around and eventually, someone will send this to the stupid people that I seem to get to encounter.

As you all know my son Victor who by the grace of God looks like us is adopted. The fact that he is adopted makes him more special to us because we were chosen by the birth mother. He is my child, he calls me dada , although at this point in time he also calls the dog and the wall dada, he knows that I am one of the people who can make things better. In the middle of the night, when he cries, it is my wife and I who tend to him, we feed him, cloth him and take care of him. He is my child.

My child is a big boy, he is not obese, he is not overweight, as a matter of fact, his doctor is fine with his weight and height. Granted, his is in the upper quarters of the charts, however, he is still on the charts, he is normal and healthy. And yet, we still hear the stupid comments because people forget that, he is my child.

The following is a breakdown of some of the stupidity that we have encountered:

1. At Costco, an old woman walked up to us and said “My, you are a fat one! I didn’t think that they made them like you anymore. You are cute though.” I was too shocked to say anything, like George Costanza, I came up with several comebacks, but by then it was too late.
2. A woman made the comment “I am sure you were stressed when you brought him home, but it’s different with a real child.” Apparently, when a child is adopted, they are not real, this was a relief for me and I called all our friends who have adopted and told them not to worry about their kids, they are not real.
3. The details of my son’s birth situation are nobody’s business but those of mine, my wife, him (when is older) and the adoption agency. I am sorry to disappoint the many people who wanted to hear a horrible tale of hardship and why my child was put for adoption. When we say that the birth mother was a very sweet person and that our son takes after her, don’t look so disappointed at the lack of drama. You don’t see me asking women “Was the birth of your child the most painful and horrible thing ever? Tell me all about it, I don’t want to miss a detail.” and then be disappointed if it was not.
4. It’s not okay to ask us the cost of the adoption, does it really matter? For those who want to adopt, we point them in the direction of the consultant that helped us, she will discuss cost. My neighbor across the street just had a baby, I am not going to ask them “What was your total out of pocket between pregnancy and child birth, I heard it can expensive.”
5. The choice to adopt is not one that couples come to lightly, when we decided to adopt, I didn’t want to feel like we were settling. When we finally finished the process, we had to really want to do it, otherwise we would have given up along the way. Please don’t make comments along the lines of “Now that you adopted, you will have kids of your own in no time.” Infertility is a medical condition, as much as we would like to think it is all in the woman or mans head. The fact that we adopted does not suddenly cure the complex issues of fertility, if they did, then all the doctors who have chosen to specialize in fertility issues can be trained in a matter of minutes. Forget the complex series of biological occurrences that have to occur for pregnancy, they will just refer their patients to adoption agencies. In spite of the fact that you think you have heard of many people who suddenly get pregnant after adoption, the odds are 1 in 20 that after an adoption occurs do the couple conceive on their own. And in the cases of twins, it was probably IVF where the instance of twins is higher. For the record, Octo-mom is a miracle, feel about her and her situation as you may, anything more than twins being carried long enough to be healthy is very slim.
6. When we said that we were going to adopt, a friend of mine asked me if I was shooting blanks. Any issues of fertility are sensitive and between the couple and their doctor, once again, does it matter?
7. My son is going to be an only child, this is a decision that my wife and I have made and feel that it’s the best decision for our child and our family situation. Unless you plan to pay for and care for any child after the first, please don’t tell me that we need more than one. If you want me to have more than one, take it up with God, in the end, it’s going to be his choice as to how many we have to begin with.

Our child is one month and a few days shy of his first birthday. I have enjoyed each stage of his life so far, and I have no desire to repeat it. I now understand why parents with kids older than mine enjoy him so much. Just because they want to hold a baby again does not mean that they want to raise another one. For those couples out there who chose not to have kids for any reason, good for you. From the time that my wife and I got married to the day that we bought Victor home, our life was about being parents. We chose the house, set up our finances and even picked a breed of dog that would be suitable for a small child. And yet, we were a complete couple without our son, he just took us to a different level, one of less money and sleep but a sense of fulfillment that I could never imagine.

Father's Day

A posting by Richard with pictures by Sarah (as is life with a child he didn't want to cooperate)


The first time that they placed Victor in my arms, I didn’t have the moment of awe and love, I had fear, pure fear. I was afraid that I would drop the child, I was afraid to cough on him and give him the pneumonia that I had two days prior. I was afraid to offend the birth mother in someway and she would change her mind and not let us have this child that we were totally unprepared to take care of.

Fatherhood is full of wonderful things; there are the baby smiles and giggles, hearing my wife scream when he pees on her. The best part however is the way he looks at me, if it’s because I have bottle or because I have come home from a long day, he has this way of looking at me that melts my heart. After a bad day, I come home in a foul mood, he smiles and then I realize, nothing that has happened that day matters, just him and my wife.

It is with this in mind that I write about Fathers day, up until my dad died, Father’s day was always about my dad, and then my brother and my dad once my brother became a father. I have memories of family lunches or dinners, sometimes cheesy gifts and I look back, I see a sense of obligation they felt to the family to spend their day being doted on.

When I think about how much my father struggled to survive, and for him, it was a matter of survival, I realize now that I had no clue what he went through. This was because no matter how much he struggled, we never really saw it. My father and mother would go without new clothes and vacations so that my brother and I could have whatever we wanted (within reason). My father worked long hours and some weekends to make sure that we didn’t struggle like he did. My bother worked two jobs and went to school for a good portion of his kids lives so that he could provide them with a better life.

I say all this because when I started to make my plans for my first Father’s day, all my plans quickly fell apart. This was because I made the mistake of a new father I thought it was about me, it’s not, and from the moment that they placed Victor in my arms till the day I die, it will never be about me anymore. Instead, like my father and my brother, my life is about my boys Victor and Otis. I know that Otis is a dog and my love for him pales in comparison to my love for my child, but there is still a strong bond between me and the dog that will be with me forever.

As I type this, I realize that while on some level I am a little envious of my friends who are dual income and no kids, I don’t miss that life. Before Sarah and I had Victor and Otis, I remember how boring my life was. Sure, I can do without the explosive diapers and late night crying, but that is what I believe helped me form a bond with my child. And while my feelings would not be hurt if my child never threw up on me or the carpet again, I realize I would sooner deal with that than I would a life without baby giggles and baby smiles.

Its been awhile

Well we have had alot going on and not much going on at the same time but its been so long since I have written anything I felt I should write something. After Florida Victor got pretty sick with throwing up and the poos which lasted for over a week. He started full time in his new room in daycare, has been to the pool again and actually had a good time. Basically we have just been status quo trying to get back in life's routine. This past week he was poo sick again but as usual no fever but ah ha! a new tooth showed up yesterday so hopefully all the crankiness we went through was worth it. Grandma just sent us some new clothes and of course victor's favorite thing was the box. Here are some pictures (blurry cause he wouldn't stay still). Also with all the crawling and pulling up on stuff he has become quite the bruiser, always has some sort of bump or scratch on him.